The Unfinished Tapestry

Many years ago, my step-sister gave me a tapestry that she had sewn by hand. It was a gift. She had framed it, wrapped it and presented it to me. But, it was unfinished. There were all loose threads in the back, a knotted mess. She had handsewn most of the three kittens and their skeins of yarn. She shared with me as she gave it to me that she hadn’t had a chance to finish it yet. In the moment, I distinctly remember, at that moment, so many years ago, focusing on the fact that the gift was not finished. It seemed so weird to me that somebody would give a gift that was unfinished. I couldn’t help but focus on the unfinished part. I still have the framed hand made gift my step- sister had given me, just as she had given it to me.

As life tends to go, we never got back around to me getting it to her to finish; I didn’t offer and she didn’t ask. But now, when I look at it, I focus on the finished part, the beauty of it, the generosity and thoughtfulness of her doing all the work she did on that. And, this is how I have worked to view the world around me, noticing what folks have done, their efforts, their intentions. This has been and continues to be a journey of growth for me. I am a cheerleader by nature, but also am a perfectionist in recovery. So, I have learned to let a lot go. Dr. Phil says “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” That line really speaks to me; for me it had become dichotomous like that.

So, I have worked to see and appreciate all of the positive around me, such as the beauty and thoughtfulness of the tapestry my step-sister sewn for me so many years ago. And in this, I have come to better understand the world and the people around me on a much deeper and more genuine way. This has helped me tremendously in my journey to understand.

Until next time,

Robin

Footprints in the Snow

 

 

Recently, while sledding in our newest blanket of snow, I saw an interesting sight that left me thinking. I found myself peering at several paths of footprints in the snow. I myself had made my own path, as walking in the other footprints proved to be too difficult; I kept slipping and losing my balance in the  existing footprints. But, the person I was with easily walked in a path made by another person.

My head ran away with this.  This feels like an analogy for life.  Some people walk in the paths of others, other people make their own way. But, wait, there is another way to interpret this, a way that focuses on empathy and understanding; walking in another’s footprints to understand their experience, their life, their emotions. This was all right in front of me, practically hitting me over the head with its obviousness, yet I was still struck with its profoundness and relevance. This is my very journey, to more fully understand others around me, their experience, their life, their emotions. This is why I have chosen understand as my one word journey.

The person I was with very easily “walked in another’s path”.  Some people can very easily empathize with another’s journey and struggle, and better understand their perspective.  Others stay focused on making their own path.  For me, the journey to understand is to symbolically walk in another’s path; to better understand their perspective, their experience, their emotions.  Walking in another’s path proved to be difficult for me on that snowy hill that day.  But, I will continue my one word journey to understand, unsteady footing and all.

Until next time…..

School Bus

Today, as I was rushing to get through the streets of New Haven, I got stuck, stuck behind a school bus. My thoughts began to yell inside my head. Please, no. Please do not put your red lights on. Please do not flip that stop sign out.

Then, the bus began to flash it’s red lights. Next, the stop sign snapped dutifully into position. A deep sigh filled my car, rather loudly. As I watched, the following scene unfolded before me.

A girl, about 15 years old, was helped off of the bus by presumably her father. He carefully held her arm, as she held his, and they began walking towards their home. Then, they paused for a moment. Does she need a break, need to rest? No, that’s not it at all. What I see touches me deeply. I see them both carefully looking at a piece of artwork she had brought home with her. They each point at different parts of the picture on the paper. Then, he looks into her eyes , and she into his. The warmth of their connection snaps me back into reality. All at once I am embarrassed at my pettiness in my rush to get past the bus. My rush to pass this, when this is what life is all about.

I just know that my rushing, my lack of attention to the world around me, I mean the important stuff, is such a missed opportunity, an opportunity to learn, to better understand. I so desire to better understand. I must make an effort to slow down and observe, take it all in. This will help me to understand, others, the world, myself.

I’m Here to Help

 

I recently attended a workshop on Intentional Peer Support. A thumbnail sketch; this is an active and growing formal approach where individuals in recovery from mental health issues and substance abuse use there lived experience in their work with people with mental health issues and substance abuse issues. This peer support has been alive and growing for many years in the field of addictions, such as with Alcoholics Anonymous, which relies solely on peer support, help from other alcoholics. 

So, in this training, I learned one of the key concepts that interferes with Intentional Peer Support is the “I’m here to help” attitude. This is often my approach, my world view. Uh oh. I even said out loud, just moments before this training “How can I help?”  I am intrigued to hear more about the error of my ways.  

The presenters went on to talk about this concept.  Coming into the situation with the frame of mind “I’m here to help” assumes the individual needs your help, is broken, assumes that you are the “expert”, the “fixer”.  I never really thought of it like that. But, I can see this perspective. And as I continue on my journey to understand, this perspective is worth considering. 

My jump in there attitude could be perceived as making an assumption about the person or situation before me, an assumption of the individual not being able to do for themselves. One of the trainers said the following: 

“Have faith in people’s abilities to solve their own problems.”

Wow. My wanting to help others can actually be seen as an assumption by me that the individual cannot do it on their own. Now, this is a new way of looking at things for me. 

As part of my one word journey to understand, others, myself, new perspectives, this one really has me thinking.  But, there must be a happy medium. Are all offers of help and support necessarily me assuming , wether subconsciously or otherwise, that the other needs me, that I am the expert, that they cannot do this on there own?  I don’t think it can be so all or nothing, or “either or”.   I must look into this further. I will reach for the shades of gray, I will look to find the “both and” point of view for this. My world view of wanting to help is now under the microscope, and definitely deserves more consideration. 

The Magnifying Glass Effect

I would like to talk about something I refer to as the magnifying glass effect, or the flashlight effect. As we focus on one specific small area, such as with a magnifying glass or flashlight, we see that area very clearly, however lose sight of the area around it. Seeing something very clearly up close is very important, and helps us to understand it better. In doing so, though, we are eclipsing the surrounding environment and information. We actually aren’t able to see the entire picture accurately .

This reminds me of the camping trip I took this past summer. It was the middle of the night, and I needed to walk to the restrooms. At first, I used a flashlight. But, somehow it seemed inadequate. I could only see what was right in front of me, and nothing more. Everything else around it was dark. I found myself wanting to see a much larger area, like to the sides of me and much further in front of me. Interestingly enough, when I turned the flashlight off, I was able to see much more. I could see all around me. My Savior? The full bright moon illuminating my way. I found this experience to be symbolic. I am a big picture kind of person, that is my orientation. So, the magnifying glass or flashlight effect I see as missing the bigger picture.

But, as I am reflecting on this now, I am thinking about this differently. Perhaps a more focused look at things could help me better understand that specific thing, situation, perspective. And, conversely, perhaps looking for the bigger picture has left me “filling in the gaps”, as in taking guesses, making assumptions. In my one word journey, my quest to understand, perhaps focusing will help me to better understand all of the parts of the whole. So, the magnifying glass or flashlight effect can help me to these means. A focus on the smaller individual parts of the whole can help me to truly understand. Figuring out the whole landscape is best done piece by piece, not all at once.

Until next time,

Robin

Make It So

 

 

I recently got a DVR, and in doing so rediscovered Star Trek The Next  Generation. This was a favorite of mine when it was originally out back in the 1990s. So, I have been infusing myself with this show. It’s pretty cool, too, because you can fast-forward through all the ads. So about 40 minutes for an episode is a pretty good time investment that I can do. 

On my drive in today, I found myself myself reviewing in my head what I had seen over the weekend on Star Trek. I kept going back to their very mission; exploring the world and learning.  My internal monologue took over and made an announcement: How very lucky and how very unrealistic that their focus, their goal, their life is to just explore and learn. Who gets opportunities like that, and where are these opportunities? 

I sat with this question for a very short while.  Then, it came to me. I can create a life of exploration and learning. It’s about how I view the world and walk through the world. It’s what I bring to the table. It’s what I make of and do with my life. It’s about maintaining a sense of curiosity and energy around understanding.  Here I am, back at my one word, yet again. Understand.  I remind myself again, understand is a verb. It is an action word. And the action? The action comes from me, it is my responsibility.  It is for me to come to understand; to learn more about everything around me.  I in fact have the ability to explore and learn, to understand, if I so choose.  And, I so choose. I have the power to, as Captain Picard says, make it so. 

Until next time,

Robin

My Judgmental Confession

A good friend of mine gave me a very unique gift.  I was leaving my job of 13 years to go to a new one, a very exciting and very stressful time. This friend is always so empathetic and understanding. I admire him tremendously.

I had given him the book “The Giving Tree” when he was going through a journey of the unknown in his life. This book represents him tremendously, always giving of himself to others.  Well, thankfully and wonderfully, he came through his journey of the unknown.  And, upon his return he shared with me what he had done with the book.  He had colored in and decorated each page.  My response at the time? I actually don’t recall if I shared it out loud or just thought it. But, I do remember it’s content.  My focus was “that book is supposed to be black-and-white”.

Now, as is my friend’s nature, he gives again. As I opened my going away/congratulations on your new job gift, tears very quickly welled up in my eyes.  What was before me? A framed picture. But, not just any picture. Before me, in my hand, was the last page of The Giving Tree, colored in and decorated by my friend. The depth of its meaning and its strength moved me tremendously.    That was over a year ago. The picture is displayed on my desk, right next to my computer monitor. I look at it often, and think about the. many lessons learned from my friend.

As I recently began my one word journey to understand, I continue to revisit and think about past experiences, such as this one. My first response to my friend sharing what he had done with the book I had given to him really was judgmental and lacked understanding.  Looking back at it now, I’m actually embarrassed at how close-minded I was about understanding how my friend experienced my gift. How dare I corral his experience into my lens and worldview. But, that was my lack of understanding and open-mindedness.  Thus, the journey before me. I work each day to understand what is before me, what another is expressing to me in their words, in their understanding, in their experience.

Until next time ,

Robin

World-View Lens

  

World-view lenses, we all have them. It is how we understand the world around us, based on our experiences, perspective, and personality.  Of course, wearing a lens distorts what you are seeing in front of you. It frames it in the context of the viewers experience and understanding.  This is a piece of my journey to understand, to work o flip up my world-view lens, and work to understand the individual or person before me.  This requires me to intentionally clear my head of preconceived notions, theories, guesses, and the like.  I sometimes think this is counter-intuitive, because our world-view is developed and woven into us so insidiously, that plucking it out and removing it is a difficult concept to wrap my head around.  I can work from the framework of listening carefully to another’s experience and perspective, working to not jump to conclusions, quieting the questions that pop up into my head.  This, for me is a helpful approach in furthering my goal to understand.

Until next time,

Robin

Back to the Basics

Let’s start at the beginning. Let’s define the word understand.

un-der-stand: verb 1. To perceive and comprehend the nature and significance of.  2. To know thoroughly through close contact with or long experience of. 3. a.  To grasp what is intended or expressed by another. b. to comprehend the meaning of. 4. To know and be tolerant or sympathetic toward. 5. To learn indirectly, as by hearsay. 6. To conclude: infer. 7. To accept as an agreed fact. -vi. 1.To have understanding, knowledge, or comprehension.  2. To learn indirectly or at second-hand. *

*Excerpt directly from Thumb-Indexed Webster’s II New Riverside University Dictionary; The Riverside Publishing Company, 1984, 1988, 1994

This was a really interesting exploration for me. Looking at the different meanings of the word understand helped me to, well, understand. It seemed to further clarify the areas I am hoping to grow in.

Let’s look at 6. To conclude, infer. Well, this is where I feel I often go, concluding and inferring throughout the world. Many times, I then learn that in fact the situation or story or facts are much different than I had assumed or inferred. This is the crux of my one word journey.

Let’s consider the 3. a.  To grasp what is intended or expressed by another. -This is what I am hoping to learn to more naturally go to as my “jump off point”. I envision myself clearing my mind of any preconceived notions, and just taking in what is before me. Not judging, or guessing, or filling in the blanks, or assuming, or elaborating in my head. Just being in the moment, with what is before me. I imagine listening with an open mind, waiting for the details to be expressed and expanded upon by the person or situation before me. Oh, there are certainly times that I can see that I do this. What I am interested in is having this be my main “jumping off point”.

Let’s look at 7. To accept as an agreed fact. This is a nice middle ground, allowing for communication to be a two way flowing street. One party expresses while the other listens openly.  Then, there is an implicit mutual understanding  about what was shared.

This feels like I have gone off on a intellectual tangent, which is far from my desire. I guess beginning with an excerpt from the dictionary might send one in this direction.  Bottom line, seeing the various meanings of the word understand spotlighted the shades of gray for me. Going forward, I will be looking into more real life applications and learning moments in my own life.

Until next time,

Robin

My Journey Begins

I first discovered ONEWORD365 when I was searching the web for a 365 New Words a Year Page-a-Day Calendar.  I had received the 365 New Words a Year Page- a -Day Calendar 2014 for Christmas.  I had thought a fun writing project would be to write one sentence for each word into a story, working hard to connect such unique and unfamiliar words.  Unfortunately, I had thrown away the first word really without even looking at it, as I settled my calendar into work on January 2nd.  I went on-line searching for the first word of this particular calendar. Instead, I found this journey and community.  Funny thing is, the focus here is one word, and I discovered this whole amazing community by searching for one word. 

Choosing my word wasn’t really a choice.  The word rather quickly worked its way to the front of my brain.  Understanding.  Then, I honed the word further to the verb of this word: understand. This felt more in line with my journey; action oriented.

I have been working to be more understanding for a very long time.  But, as many things in our lives, focus, attention, and intention waxes and wanes, as other priorities come in and out of and focus. My desire to be more understanding, to understand, is something that I am and have been very interested in.  I have put some tools in place to help me stay focused on this.  For example, at my office, taped to the bottom of my computer monitor, bolded in 48-point font is the following phrase:  “Ask don’t Assume”.  This serves as a reminder to come at things from an open mind, an inquisitive and explorative stance.  I find myself coming at things with a frame of reference of having an idea of what happened or what the situation is and going from there. This is not where I want to be.  I want to have my reflex to be to ask, to seek information and knowledge, rather than assuming something else.  I have made some gains in my mission, but certainly have much more room for growth with this.  ONEWORD365 seems like just the opportunity to continue my growth and journey with this in a more focused and intentional way.

 So, I am making a commitment to understand, to understand individuals, their experiences, and their perspectives.  This journey will take a lot of effort, a lot of focus, a lot of opening my mind, a lot of listening more and talking less.  I will blog weekly on my journey.  Writing for me has always been a way to more deeply explore and give meaning to my experiences and the world around me.  So, here, I begin my ONEWORD365 journey to understand. 

Until next time,

 

Robin.